Happy Passing Year

Last year at this time, I thought I was headed for a new year. I thought 2015 would be the year I got closer to perfect. I had thought that for 2014 too. And for 2013 before that. I don't seem to learn. I struggle to follow my own counsel, when it comes right down to it.

Sitting in my office, looking out at a grey sky as the eve of 2016 falls, I re-evaluate my intentions for the coming year. I realize this:

I am forever in between.

I am enough as I am.

I can strive healthily
(but that has nothing to do with perfection. Brene Brown taught me that).

I don't need to hold tight to goals as I move into the new year. I just need to keep deepening into my values, especially that of Creativity. And Faith (in myself most of all). 

I need to surrender to being more of who I am, and to let go of trying to be anything else.

I need to trust that that is enough.

I. Am. Enough.

I will sit at a small round table tonight, surrounded by a bay window, with a candle burning. I will eat my dinner slowly. I will reflect on what has passed. I will be present. I will be alive to all that can be. 

I will be alive to myself, those I love, those I care for.

There is nothing else to do. No one else to be.

I repeat this blessing to myself:

I am enough.

Note to Self on a Cold Day

It's ok that it's sunny outside but you feel cold in your heart toward yourself. You're getting through it. This is not depression as you once knew it, in fact it's not depression at all. And it's not gonna be. Breathe.

It's ok that the nasties in your head are back with a vengeance. You can tolerate them. You can love yourself in between their curses. Some might think you're crazy if they got inside here, but you're just human. Breathe.

It's ok, this constant agitation in your chest. You're getting through it. It won't kill you. It might relent a little if you soften around it. Breathe.

It's ok that you still feel angry after the softening, inside the softening. Keep moving through it. There's something more true underneath, and you can let go a little when you get there. Breathe.

Stay. This. Course.
You. Are. Ok.
Breathe.

I Forgive Myself For...

I forgive myself for getting up four minutes after my alarm went off.
I forgive myself for scrambling to work when I only got up four minutes late.
I forgive myself for not getting up a half hour earlier every day.
I forgive myself for not going to bed earlier so I can get up earlier.

I forgive myself for rushing.
I forgive myself for not eating breakfast.
I forgive myself for being late because I did eat breakfast.
I forgive myself for oatmeal only, no fruit.

I forgive myself for the waiting bus driver. And the car behind him.
I forgive myself forgetting my kid's most important vitamin.
I forgive myself not forcing veggies at lunch.
I acknowledge myself for millions of veggies soups for dinner.

I forgive myself for doting on my girls too much.
I forgive myself for the times I feel I don't dote enough.
I forgive losing myself.
I appreciate every time I find myself again.


Got some stuff you can forgive yourself for today?....